Most girls dream of a Prince Charming and a happily-ever-after while boys go into marriage expecting the wife to adapt to all his quirks and peculiarities, no questions asked. These unrealistic expectations have perhaps led to many a divorce.
The cold hard fact is no marriage is without its arguments. Two adults living together will inevitably clash over issues. The intimacy marriage entails may even bring about more fights than a platonic relationship where romantic love and sex are absent.
Resolving arguments between married couples involves talking, sharing and listening. You may have read many tips and pieces of advice on how to argue capably. Add these valuable pointers to your list of guidelines. Heeding them will help you improve how you handle difficult topics so the relationship doesn’t turn contemptuous and leave spouses feeling bitter toward each other.
1. Stop Insisting You’re Right
Only established facts are undeniable. Most marital quarrels are not based on facts.
He drives too fast or she made an inappropriate comment at a party. These are matters of opinions and views. When you argue you’re right and the other party is wrong, what follows are feelings of defensiveness, resentment, hurt and anger.
Instead, acknowledge both of you had different childhoods and grew up in different surroundings. Hence, your views and perceptions are molded based on the values you were taught and the experiences you have gone through or saw.
Ask each other why your spouse thinks that way and what could have formed their perception that is contrary to yours. Explore backgrounds and put yourself in your partner’s situation. By doing this, you will come to a deeper understanding of your spouse’s line of thoughts and behavior.
2. Don’t put Your own Meanings into Statements or Actions
The assumptions spouses make of the other’s intentions are usually negative. They do not help to end an argument on friendly terms. When the wife throws away her husband’s pack of cigarettes, the husband assumes she is controlling him when she is actually concerned about his health.
The truth is, intentions are often complicated. And it does not serve a purpose to presume to know what they are. Rather than jumping to conclusions about intentions, ask your spouse what they are trying to say then tell them how you feel about their statement or behavior. Your spouse will be in a favorable position to explain their intentions and will be aware they have unintentionally hurt you.
3. Don’t Use Physical Force
One no-no in marital spats is using physical force on the other. If you force the sexual act on your spouse through threats and intimidation, you could be charged with marital rape.
Tad Nelson & Associates family law attorneys in Houston say sexual assault under which marital rape may be filed has severe penalties, including jail time, fines and registration as a sex offender, among others. In Texas, there is a gender-neutral law on marital rape.
4. Avoid Putting the Blame on Your Spouse
When something goes wrong, man’s instinct is to ask, “Who’s to blame?” Blaming is destructive and blocks continued communication. It raises defensiveness and other strong emotions. Accusations and finger-pointing fly across the room.
Instead of blaming, look into yourself and think about how you have contributed to the problem. When you gave instructions to pack the fishing gear, did you mention the newly bought jigs? When you analyze the problem and realize you contributed to it, both of you can work together to find a solution to avoid a repeat and there is no attribution or judgment cast on either spouse.
These pieces of advice don’t guarantee to solve all your marital disagreements. But they are steps to maintaining cooler heads and rational minds which are prerequisites for effective dialoguing between couples.
The author, Marie Miller, is a relationship adviser. She writes for websites and blogs about dating, marriage and parenting.
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