Sibling Rivalry – Ways of Coping Within a Blended Family

Today, more than 60 percent of American households are raising children from previous marriages. Creating a harmonious blended family can be challenging for everyone involved. Parents have to adjust to living with a new spouse’s children. The new spouse may have to adjust to having stepchildren as well. Kids have to learn how to get along with their new siblings and this adjustment period can take some time.

When The Honeymoon Is Over

When people join their families through holy matrimony, they are rarely prepared for the unholy acrimony that can ensue. Disputes over parenting styles, money management, household responsibilities, emotional and physical boundaries, and even holiday traditions can become major challenges.

Because stepchildren often have conflicting emotions about the new members of their family, they may act out and create disciplinary problems for their stepparents.

Stepsiblings can become the target of jealousy and resentment.

Accusations of  favoritism and demands for privacy can become heated and divisive.

Many problems arise because a couple–each with children from previous unions–has unrealistic expectations of what the new blended family will be like.

When reality collides with their fantasy, it can create feelings of disappointment, betrayal, anxiety and hopelessness.

Once the honeymoon is over and the bubble bursts, the couple may feel overwhelmed, confused, discouraged, so much so they may want to give up before they’ve had a chance to make a real start.

One thing you can do to cope with the challenges of creating a blended family is to realize this transition will take time.

There will be an adjustment period, and many experts note that this “adjustment period” lasts anywhere from four to seven years in the average blended family.

When you try to rush the process, you may actually cause more stress and tension for everyone involved.

The Delicate Art of Bridge-building

As the parents in a blended family, you are the architects and foremen of all the relationships in the family–yours with your spouse and those of the children. It is your job to help your children and stepchildren close the great emotional chasm between them and develop positive relationships with each other.

Talk openly about your kids’ feelings, and encourage them to talk to each other in a productive way, if they are old enough to express what is on their minds. What is working well? In which areas would they like to see improvement? What are they willing to do to make things better? Don’t just talk at them. Listen to them.

And try not to hear them through the prism of your own bitter memories of the past–their non-custodial parent isn’t there, so don’t put him or her in the middle of the discussion. If need be, offer the kids the opportunity to speak to an outsider–an aunt, uncle, clergy member, or therapist–if they need an objective perspective. And, if you and your new spouse need help, seek counseling yourselves. Be premeditated in your plan to succeed in this marriage and your family will thrive.

For younger children, their anxieties transcend language. They feel but don’t know how to express what they feel. Actions may be more meaningful to them than words.

You can help give them a sense of their value in the new family by affirming their place in it. Acknowledge their space as theirs and teach the older kids to respect those boundaries. Create a special storytelling spot for each child that’s exclusively theirs.

Create New Traditions

Cozy up with them and their favorite Baby Einstein octoplush while you read their favorite story aloud. At family meals, you can help them share the story with the rest of the family, talking about what they love most in the story; the funniest character.

Create family rituals in which they share things or activities with the other kids. This can be playing a game, or watching a video, or preparing a snack. This can help little ones learn how to share toys with their stepsiblings while at the same time fostering positive, healthy relationships with each other.

When two families become one, each member of a blended family has already had the experience of being in an original or biological family.

Respect favorite traditions from the past, but also create some new ones that are unique to your new family.

This will foster a sense of belonging, unity, and positive relationships among all the children involved.

Since more than 70 percent of divorced couples do remarry, the chances of becoming part of a blended family are much greater than you might realize. Success may be challenging, but it’s not impossible. Be undaunted.

There are many support groups available, along with helpful articles, and books to guide you. Rest assured that with time, effort, and realistic expectations, you will become one cohesive family unit.

Writer LaGeris Underwood Bell is an enthusiastic cheerleader for blended families and stepparents. She hopes this article will help them rally their resolve to be their best and do their best. For those with young children and stepchildren, she suggests investing in books, games, and toys like a Baby Einstein octoplush to help them feel safe, loved, and secure as they embrace this new life.

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