A Stepfather Gets No Respect

Gerardo Campbell04/13/2012

0 2,368 3 minutes read

The late comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, would frequently gripe, “I get no respect” and he wasn’t even a stepfather! Just like your biological counterpart, as a stepfather you may have to deal with negative behaviors like manipulation, lying, and outright defiance. However, lacking the “moral authority” to parent as your biological counterpart makes dealing with these nasty behaviors particularly challenging but not insurmountable. Just because you are the “stepdad” you are not obligated to be family’s doormat.

These are what I consider the essential pieces needed to build a foundation of respect for the stepfather and within the blended family. To treat the stepfather or any other family member disrespectfully weakens the entire family and makes bonding by the stepfather with his stepchildren difficult, if not impossible.
The Essential Pieces

Respectful Behavior

Very important you and your wife are in agreement, obedience and respectful behavior toward you is the required minimum standard. Additionally, respectful behavior is the standard for all family interactions.

Discipline
- Your wife must be willing to discipline her children each and every time her children speak disrespectfully, ignore, or disobey you. For her not to do so, is giving her children tacit permission to continue and even escalate their behaviors.

Moral Authority
- Your wife must give you the “moral authority” to parent her children. Her children need to clearly understand that. Develop a relationship with the kid’s biological father with the goal of enlisting his support in communicating the same message to his children. Remember the goal is to raise the children into responsible adults of good character.

Handling Mistakes
- Invariably, you will make a mistake by saying and/or doing the wrong thing. In those instances, your wife must bring these mistakes to your attention privately rather than in front of the children. Correction in front of the children undermines your authority. Be sure to follow through by making amends to the child you offended in front of all those present at the time of offense. Your humility in apologizing will set the example for your family to follow.

The next post will address a stepfather’s expectations, setting a great example, and teachable moments. Please read the book review for Smart Stepfamily, The: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family .

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The Smart Stepfamily Book Review

Review by Karon Phillips Goodman

Author of The Stepmom’s Guide to Simplifying Your Life

“If you want to feel empowered, inspired, comforted and renewed about your steplife, read this book. In his straightforward and calming manner, author Ron Deal brings hope and healing into a stepparent’s life in this easy-to-follow volume based on Christian principles. For the stepparent-to-be, the new stepparent or the veteran, this book is a lighthouse in a stormy world, reassuring us that we can find our way.

Right from the introduction, the overwhelmed reader breathes a sigh of relief and enjoys the reminder that there are, indeed, healthy stepfamilies out there, and having one is a real possibility. Deal gives us a deeply comforting and proactive approach to our steplives, zeroing in on the practical steps we can take right now. We’re all willing to work hard for our families, but if we don’t work on the right things, it won’t matter. Work smarter, Deal says. That involves two things very much within our control: understanding stepfamily life and making intentional decisions about living that life.

Deal points out some “key stepping-stones” that we’ll need every day. These attitudes and perspectives will enable us to overcome obstacles and take advantage of the opportunities around us. They include Spiritual Integrity, Listening and Understanding, Perseverance, Commitment, Patience, Flexibility and Humor. It sounds basic, but Deal shows us how to master these skills so that we can have a more healthy and peaceful life all around.

With strikingly appropriate Biblical parallels, Deal likens the steplife we all want to the Promised Land the Israelites found after years of wandering. May of us stepparents wander for years, too, often wanting to give up. Deal’s reminder that God won’t abandon us either is just the beginning of the comfort and inspiration this book offers.

Deal lays out the seven steps in the journey to the “Stepfamily Promised Land.” Each one is clearly explained, and their presentation contributes to the book’s message of encouragement and possibilities. Deal includes studies of a stepparent’s expectations, how important the marriage is in the success of the family, parenting with former spouses and much more. You’ll see yourself time and again in his words, and more importantly, you’ll see how you can make positive contributions to your family, starting today.

The author includes stories of stepfamilies in trouble and stories of those who have made it to the Promised Land. Understanding that the journey is tough for others, too, gives the reader a sense of belonging, along with the impetus to step through the tough times because something good awaits.

Each chapter of the book includes questions and discussion topics to help couples understand each other’s perspective and to guide them in making responsible and healthy decisions. Now that’s working smarter.”

Click on the book to order your copy now.